


Jealous of the Way You're Happy Without Me

by sleepwalkn



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming of Age, F/F, High School
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23304706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepwalkn/pseuds/sleepwalkn
Summary: "Lena shrugs, “Exactly. It’s been two months, Sam. More than enough time to move on.” She doesn’t resist the urge to look at her this time, her eyes immediately connecting to her figure as if drawn by an invisible force, “I’d say she agrees. Hell, it didn’t take her that long.”Sam follows her line of sight this time, already knowing what she’ll find, and yet the pity still manages to settle in her features visibly enough that it makes Lena’s jaw clench in tandem with her heart. They both know who they’ll find right beside Kara, laughing aloud with the same sweet and alluring bright smile."OR: The story of how teenage Kara and Lena find their way back to each other after falling apart.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 20
Kudos: 364





	Jealous of the Way You're Happy Without Me

_The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are._

“Lena!”

As if a pebble had been thrown through the stillness of her brain, resulting in waves that carry the sounds around her that she had tuned out, Lena flinches and turns an accusing glare towards Sam, who wears a displeased expression as she stares her down.

“What?” she asks, her voice nothing but an undignified squeak.

“What? You totally left me talking to myself for almost five minutes!” She rolls her eyes, with a huff, “You know what, I don’t know why it still annoys me so much, I mean, it’s not like you don’t do it everyday.”

“I don’t do it everyday.”

“You’re right, you can’t stare at Kara on the weekends. At least I hope you don’t, because that would be really creepy -“

Lena turns to look at her, feeling illegitimately accused, snapping out from once again the direction of Kara’s locker. “You know I don’t do that, Sam.”

Sam smiles a little, and Lena swallows harshly when she faintly sees the pity Sam tries to hide in the corners of her sightly upturned lips. But her and Sam’s relationship hasn’t ever been about sentimentalism or any other emotional subjects; there’s just always been this silent agreement between them and everyone else at the school that Lena Luthor and Sam Arias, the unbreakable duo, aren’t prone to be spotted doing something remotely mushy. So Sam doesn’t let the pity linger, or at least Lena doesn’t allow herself to see it anymore.

“When are you going to move on for her? It’s been two moths, Lena.”

It hasn’t exactly been two months, though. Only 55 days. But Lena isn’t counting. Cool and aloof Lena Luthor wouldn’t do that. Ever.

She doesn’t correct Sam, choosing instead to hold the remains of her dignity close to her chest, away from Sam’s pitiful and reprimanding eyes.

“I have moved on.” Even as she says it, she has to force herself to not look towards the bubbly laugh she so easily recognizes amid the loudness of the halls of Midvale High.

Sam releases a puff of air that Lena easily recognizes to be a show of disbelief, and rolls her eyes even before Sam utters her next words. “Right. Your blatant staring in her general direction whenever she’s within your vicinity is just proof of how over her you are.”

Lena shrugs, “Exactly. It’s been two months, Sam. More than enough time to move on.” She doesn’t resist the urge to look at her this time, her eyes immediately connecting to her figure as if drawn by an invisible force, “I’d say she agrees. Hell, it didn’t take her that long.”

Sam follows her line of sight this time, already knowing what she’ll find, and yet the pity still manages to settle in her features visibly enough that it makes Lena’s jaw clench in tandem with her heart. They both know who they’ll find right beside Kara, laughing aloud with the same sweet and alluring bright smile.

It’s not like she ever hated James; he’s generally too nice for that, but somehow not nice enough for Lena to hate him for his niceness, if that even makes sense. Maybe James and Kara were actually made for each other. Lena is becoming less and less bitter, enough to finally start to see it. Somehow, it hurts more.

Lena averts her gaze when blue eyes briefly connect with hers, deciding Sam’s pitiful ones to be more safe.

Sam sighs, “You should follow her example.” She doesn’t necessarily say it in a cold and purposefully hurtful way, her words are more of a very pointy knife wrapped in multiple layers of cotton, careful not to sting but only to advise. It still cuts, though.

“I know.”

It seems Sam is halfway into reaching out to envelop her in a side hug with her right hand, shoulder almost brushing with Lena’s, when the bell rings. Lena is secretly disappointed when Sam seems to snap out of it, quickly dropping her arm when the wave of students starts to drag them towards the classroom, closer to Kara’s searching eyes. Their gazes connect, for a second, and Kara herself seems surprised Lena even allowed herself to, blue eyes widening behind her glasses. A big hand settles on her shoulder though, distracting her, and when she turns again, hoping to find Lena’s eyes awaiting hers, Lena has already forced herself to look away.

Not for the first time in these past few months, Lena wishes she was someone else.

-

History is the only class that Lena, Sam and Kara coincidentally share. Lena usually spends it lost in her mind, privately staring at the back of Kara’s head, completely ignoring Mr. Bennett’s voice as he rambles on and on about something Lena isn’t even minimally interested in enough to know what it is, taking secret pleasure to know that the blonde probably doesn’t either and chooses instead to spend her time doodling in the borders of her notebook.

“You know you wouldn’t have to stare from a distance if you accepted her offer of friendship, right?”

Lena turns to look at Sam, surprised by her tentative whisper.

She looks back at the blond head now leaning on an elegant wrist, ponytail swinging left to right with every restless bounce of her leg, which Lena knows is just Kara releasing the inhumane amount of energy that she has. Before, she’d release it while secretly making funny faces at Lena when Mr. Bennett wasn’t looking, silently laughing after seeing the other girl’s reaction, which were usually the most fake irritated face Lena could manage; or with the both of them running through the school’s hallways with bathroom passes, finally reaching the girl’s bathroom and breathlessly kissing and laughing and acting free. Except they were never free.

Lena doesn’t think she could ever be her friend again. She looks down at her book pretending to read the words in it, but actually just finding an excuse to tilt down her head and allow her hair to cover her face, her hurt filled eyes.

“Yeah. I know.”

* * *

_To live is to be someone else. Feeling is impossible if we feel today as we felt yesterday: to feel today the same thing we felt yesterday is not to feel at all--it's merely to remember today what we felt yesterday, since today we are the living cadaver of yesterday's lost life._

Lena hates routines. Once upon a time, she’d usually be thankful for them - the reassurance of expectation, the carefulness of anticipating. Nowadays, though, they’re just boring. And Lena hates being bored, because boredom makes her think, and thinking makes her feel, and she’s particularly tired of feeling for the last couple of months.

So, she’s a little relieved when Sam convinces her to go to a party - there wasn’t really any convincing to be done, as soon as those words leave Sam’s mouth, Lena is relieved of not having to spend another restless night alone; but she pretends to be busy, just to see Sam beg.

It’s Friday, and it’s not like Lena isn’t allowed to go to parties on weekdays anyway, seeing as Lillian is never home for almost three quarters of a month. The older woman usually blames it on work, after all, it can’t be easy to run an entire company on her own, after Lionel’s death years ago. Lena understands it also can’t be easy to be in a house alone with her husband’s illegitimate daughter, the very proof of his affair; so Lena can’t complain - she has a place to live, food to eat, and more than enough money to survive on her own. Even if she’s lonely (not that she’d ever admit that).

“Good afternoon, Lena.”

She jumps just as she opens the front door of her house and is greeted by Lillian, not expecting to hear anything, much less the voice of the one person she was thinking about, who Lena remembers specifically told her she wouldn’t be home for the next two weeks.

She turns around, seeing Lillian sitting on the kitchen island, laptop open in front of her and typing some kind of document, not yet turning to look at Lena.

Their house is relatively big, definitely bigger than some of the houses of the neighborhood, but still not scandalously big to draw too much attention to it. It was Lillian’s idea, to move to Midvale, live more freely, get slightly away from the press. Lena was all for it - the suffocation of being a Luthor in Metropolis was deadly; Lena had felt it, and she imagines Lillian felt it ten times worse for being a widow, a single mother and, above it all, a woman on command of a huge company like LuthorCorp.

The open concept kitchen allows for the sun rays shining trough the wide windows on their living room to frame Lillian’s figure. She was a beautiful woman, Lena has always thought that. With an imposing and confident posture that never fails to amaze her. Sometimes, in the nights that she’s feeling desperately in need of thinking about anything else but Kara, she ponders why her father ever felt the necessity of cheating. Maybe it was her commanding attitude that threatened him. She rolls her eyes when she thinks of how much that is possible. And she’s not necessarily a bad person either, no matter how cool she acts around Lena. Sometimes Lena thinks she sees this hidden gentleness towards her in her movements, but then she blinks and it’s gone. The raven haired girl doesn’t allow herself to overthink it. Hope can be the source of some serious heartache.

Lillian turns around to look at her, eyebrow raised. “Aren’t you going to greet me back?”

“Sorry,” she clears her throat before continuing, “Hello. How have you been?”

“I’ve been okay. And you?”

“I’ve been well.” Lena nods.

An awkward silence begins, and just as Lena is opening her mouth to excuse herself to her room and get ready for the party, Lillian interrupts her.

“I’ll be staying home for an indefinite amount of time starting from this afternoon.”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

“I was thinking maybe we could go to that restaurant you like today. I already called and they said they only had a reservation at 9pm, so I wanted to check in with you first.”

 _Sorry, I can’t go because I have a party to attend._ She can’t say that, can she? There’s a great possibility of Lillian prohibiting her from going. On the other hand, she rarely spends time with her, and it might be a nice change to allow this proximity between then, even if an ‘indefinite amount of time’ might mean a few days and then she’s gone again, and Lena’s back to being all alone. Okay, maybe it’s not such a good idea.

“I’m sorry, can’t it be on another day? It’s just that I- I had this test today and then P.E, so I’m really tired.”

She thinks she might be imagining the flash of disappointment she sees on Lillian’s face, because, well, that’s the only logical explanation (and the most guilt-free/overthinking-free/confusion-free one).

“That’s fine, some other time then.”

With that, Lena excuses herself from the room.

-

“Oh my God, Lena, what took you so long?” Sam whines as soon as Lena slams the door after getting in her car.

“Shut up, Sam. Lillian’s home, and I have zero experiences sneaking out, so, forgive me for taking a little bit more time.”

“I’m surprised you even managed to be successful, honestly. You aren’t the most stealthy person.”

“What are you talking about? I can be stealthy.” Lena says, slightly offended.

“You really can’t.”

“I can!”

“No.”

Lena huffs, “Well, I’m here, so I managed.”

Then, her phone vibrates from her jean’s back pocket, and when Lena takes it out, it reads _Be home by midnight._

“Thought so.”

“Eyes on the road, Sam!”

-

Lena is not that big of a fan of alcohol. Honestly, you can only mostly find beers at this type of party, and that’s not something she particularly likes the taste of. But she’d be lying if she said she didn’t like the feeling of being drunk, and maybe that’s a little bit more problematic. Her brain can be so hyperactive, that sometimes she searches for any way possible to hide from herself, some excuse to retreat - there’s something about being drunk that allows her to lose track of herself, of her thoughts; it’s freeing, in some ways. There’s no expectations that she usually sets for herself, no self-doubt, no maddening thoughts. (And it usually ends with her falling asleep as soon as her head meets her pillow, which she’s just as grateful for, it's a way around her self proclaimed insomnia).

That’s always the feeling she craves when, just like today, she steps into whoever's house the party is taking place at, and proceeds to be overwhelmed by the amount of bodies and sounds and smells and everything, and yet, the first thing she accurately sees is Kara Danvers, because wherever she is, no matter which company, her eyes never fail her. That’s what she used to think anyway, because now when she sees her, she thinks that according to the way her heart aches, her eyes betray her over and over again. Especially when she fixes her gaze slightly to the side of Kara’s figure and sees James Olsen, making her laugh, touching her, kissing her -

Whatever.

She turns to Sam, or the direction Sam was at before, anyway. Now, she’s talking with Alex Danvers, turning in Lena’s direction and calling her over, which is a terrible idea because:

1- Lena is sure Alex Danvers doesn’t like her, although she’s not quite sure why. She doesn’t necessarily think she hates her, she just seems very displeased with Lena’s general proximity lately.

2- Nothing good ever comes from a Danvers these days.

She goes to them anyway, simply for the sake of not being standing alone in the middle of a party. Lena Luthor isn’t that lame, to everyone else’s eyes anyway.

“Alex.”

“Luthor.”

“I do have a first name, you know.”

“I know, I just don’t care enough to pronounce it.”

“You do know my last name is bigger than my first name, though. So you must care more than I thought.” Lena winks, even if she’s honestly afraid Alex will remove her eyeball with her own fingernails. Sometimes that’s the vibe she sends. Sometimes, Lena likes it. Respects it.

Before Alex responds, Sam cuts in. “Can’t the two of you just play nice today? Just today, please. For me?” She pouts, for good measure.

Lena just sighs, rolls her eyes. “I’m gonna need to get very drunk then.”

“You say that like it’s a great effort.” Alex replies, smirking.

Lena just narrows her eyes at her before leaving towards the drinks table, chancing a look at Kara who is currently laughing at something her stupid boyfriend said. Yup, she needs to get very drunk.

-

“Lena!” Someone says and someone, multiple someones, laugh. “I dare you to kiss Greg!”

Truth or dare had never been her particular go to drunk game, but it’s the only game taking place somewhere hidden away enough that she doesn’t have to resist the temptation of staring at Kara all night, so, she’ll take what she can get.

She’s at a point in the night where she isn’t _drunk_ drunk, just generally drunk. Drunk enough that she can’t quite see what’s on her periferals, and she might even stumble when she tries to walk, but definitely not drunk enough to kiss Greg.

“No.”

“Come on Luthor, don’t be a party-pooper.” Someone says and someone laughs, again.

“I’m not trying to, I just don’t wanna kiss Greg.”

“Why not?” Greg asks, and Lena’s sure his ego is very hurt.

“I’d rather kiss someone else.”

“Fine. I’ll give you a choice then. You can either kiss Greg or Winslow, your choice.”

She knows the laughter around her resonates from the fact that Winn’s the school’s known “nerd”, even if Lena thinks the title is completely maladjusted for his personality, if everyone had simply taken the time to look past his looks and grades and chosen to actually get to know him. It’s sad, really, and if Lena weren’t drunk, she’d totally voice all of this.

“I’d much rather kiss Winn.”

There are audible gasps, choking sounds (she’s sure that one came from Winn himself), and giggles all over the circle.

“What? You have to be kidding me.” Greg says, as if the idea of Lena kissing someone much more substantial than him was scandalous.

Lena simply leans over towards Winn, silently asks for consent, and pecks him on the lips.

It’s also stupid how everyone mocks Greg, like it should be somehow offensive someone chose Winn over him. Clearly no one in this circle knows she's an incredible sensitive, mopey drunk.

“Well, that was absolutely lovely. I’m gonna go get drunker.”

With that she walks away, mind set of refilling her cup with whatever disgusting beer she finds first and getting away from the group of people she found herself with. It’s the bad decisions avoiding Kara Danvers gets her.

She has absolutely no idea where Sam is. She’s sure she saw her earlier in the night in some corner, chatting with Alex Danvers quite closely. Lena makes a mental note to talk to Sam about it, then makes an actual note of it on her phone because she’s sure she would end up forgetting it. As she checks her phone, she sees its already past midnight, and she’ll be in a lot of trouble if she doesn’t go home very _very_ soon.

“Shit.”

“Didn’t know goody two-shoes Lena Luthor would curse.”

Lena almost barfs right there, not from the alcohol, but from the smell of Greg’s very strong cologne and the sound of his very irritating voice.

“What do you want, Gregory?”

“That’s what that was about, wasn’t it? You’re such a good girl that you pitied Winslow and chose him over me.”

“First of all, ew, don’t ever call me that again,” Lena grimaces, “second of all, it’s not pity. Winn is a much better choice anyway.”

He steps closer to her, tilting his head back and looking at her with crinkled eyes and a self assured smile that Lena knows might have seduced some very unfortunate souls in this world. “Don’t lie, Lena. I’ll tell you this, I’ll give you second chance right now.”

“I’d rather die to be honest.”

He laughs, falsely good-natured. “Come on, Luthor.”

“If you step towards me again, I’ll headbutt you, hard, I’m not even kidding.” Maybe she’s not that threatening when her words leave her mouth slurred together and she has a hard time standing still in one place without losing balance, but she means it, so she’ll manage.

“Come on, don’t be like that - “

“She said no already. Get away from her.”

Another repulsive thing is how much Lena enjoys that timbre; the very one that still manages to make her chest tingle, fills her stomach with butterflies. It’s been 55 days, it shouldn’t be like this. Lena should be over her. Just like she was over Lena. Lena wants to vomit again, but this time the repulsion is towards herself.

“There’s enough for you too, Danvers.”

“You’re disgusting, Greg. Just go away.”

He laughs, backs away with his hands raised above his head. “Fine, you’re Olsen’s anyway. I’ll catch up with you later, Lena.”

She doesn’t know the thing that angers her the most in this situation - his stupid, _stupid_ smirk that Lena wants to punch, the reminder of Kara’s relationship status, or Kara’s general look of concern as she stares at her.

“Are you okay?”

This is the very thing that Lena has been avoiding ever since their break up - being the target of Kara’s earnest gaze isn’t something you can recover from. Lena knows this from first hand experience, after all, that was all it took for her to let down her guard and allow the other girl to tarnish all her possible defenses. There’s something magnetic about the concern Kara manages to express through her blue eyes, something that Lena, for her own sake, can’t allow herself to fall into again. One mistake was enough. Letting herself be vulnerable again, after years of perfecting the sculpture she wants to represent her, a rock-hard exterior, is the type of stupidity Lena is still recovering from. Another crack before she completely mends herself might be enough to diminish her to dust.

God, and she thought she doesn't overthink when she’s drunk. She probably just won't remember it.

“You, Kara Danvers, are my hero.” This is safer. Passive-aggressive remarks when she’s drunk and quite honestly capable of spelling her heartbreak in Kara’s beautiful face are safer.

“I sense some sarcasm in that.”

“I was taking care of that on my own.”

Kara shrugs, blue eyes yet to disconnect from her green ones, no matter how much Lena avoids eye contact (honestly, she can’t even tell which of her three rotating eyes are the real ones. She is more drunk than she thought. Still, when faced with Kara Danvers, maybe she needs another drink.)

“Now it’s taken care of.”

Lena rolls her eyes, going as far as to give a slight bow (or something akin to that, if she hadn’t stumbled through it), “Well, allow me to thank you from the very bottom of my heart. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get another drink.”

She starts to move, surprisingly deftly due to the desperation to get away from Kara Danvers before she gets inevitably sucked into her gravity center and drowns in it without her permission. A hand catches her forearm before she even moves two steps away.

“Lena, wait. I think you’ve had too much.”

Lena tries to pull her hand away from Kara’s scorching touch, before the warmness infiltrates her skin and she gets intoxicated from it. Kara just holds her tighter though, and Lena’s brain becomes a symphony with the sounds of every single one of her warning bells.

“Fine then, I’ll just go find Sam and she’ll drive me home.” She says, then pulls harder and turns her body away from Kara, searching for a distraction that’ll save her from both Kara’s angelic posture when framed with the backyard’s string lights, her halo so breathtaking that Lena has to reach out a hand to balance herself in the drinks table, versus the thoughts in her head that chant _run run run._ But Kara only catches her other hand, tugging slightly to make sure Lena can’t move away from her, and Lena knows she’s screwed.

“Let me take you home.”

At first, Lena chuckles, because isn’t it obvious to Kara why that’s the single most terrible, horrific, stupid idea? I mean, surely this is a cruel joke where Kara doesn’t understand how stupid she feels for falling for her, dating her for nearly two months, then having her heart broken by her not only due to their break up but also because five days later she started dating James Olsen, leaving Lena to recover on her own.

“I’d rather walk alone then.”

She sees Kara flinch, and no matter how much she wants to ignore it, she can't. She thinks this whole conversation has managed to somehow sober her the slightest bit that she doesn’t see Kara as a cyclops anymore, which means she's sober enough to feel bad. She is almost ready to apologize then, but the darker side of her soul takes solace in seeing the hurt she once felt inflicted on her, even if she knows hers was a thousand times worse.

“Don’t be like that, Lena. Please.”

“Be like what, Kara? Honest? Maybe you should try it sometimes.”

Kara sighs, releasing one of Lena’s hands so that she can push her glasses up the bridge of her nose, before she sees Lena try to tuck her hand away and catches it before she can. The hold she has on her is tight, and a few days from now, when Lena can’t sleep and if she remembers this moment, she’ll think that it almost seems like Kara is holding her desperately, knowing Lena won’t allow her to again anytime soon. Then she’ll curse herself for her stupidity and force herself to think of anything else.

“I get it, Lena. You hate me. You’ve made that very clear for the past few months.”

“Well, can you blame me?”

“I-” Whatever Kara was saying was interrupted by Lena’s phone sounding from her jeans, and Lena quickly takes it instead of looking at Kara’s heated face. _We’ll have a conversation tomorrow,_ it reads. Then, _Let me at least know you haven’t dragged yourself into alcohol poisoning._ Lena only has a second to curse before her fingers speed through her screen to type something back.

“Lillian’s home?” Kara asks, and Lena simply hums, head turning and searching through the sea of bodies in search for Sam, urgently. “That’s nice.”

“I don’t know if it will be as nice tomorrow morning. God, where is Sam when you need her?”

Kara squeezes both of her hands, drawing her attention. “Last time I saw her she was with Alex. Come on, Lena, just let me take you home.”

Lena worries her bottom lip between her teeth, considering. On one hand, being in a car alone with Kara Danvers sounds like a terrible mixture between both her personal heaven and hell, and the fact that she’s drunk is even more worrisome - if her brain short-circuits when she’s just generally around Kara without even being alone, when she’s drunk, it could only be worse, and her temporary brain damage might lead her to some pretty bad decisions.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t go home soon, Lillian might single-handedly deport her back to Ireland (or probably not, but Lillian’s passive displeasure with her might make her want to go).

“Fine. Let me just call Sam.”

\---

She knew it was a terrible decision as soon as she got inside Kara’s car. The moonlight streaming from the driver’s window and hitting the other girl’s face in the most perfect angle was what tipped Lena off at first. She forces herself to look out of her own window, just so she doesn’t get embarrassingly caught staring at Kara’s profile. She tries counting the lamp posts that they drive past, but she’s now at that stage of drunkenness where keeping her eyes open seems to be the biggest struggle of her life, unless they’re focused on Kara anyway.

“How come you didn’t catch a ride with James?” She asks, even if she stubbornly keeps her eyes trained on her window, neck awkwardly turned so she can rest her temple against it and watch the world blur by her.

“Oh, I wasn’t sure I was coming.” _You must think that particular sentence a lot not that you’re with James,_ she thinks, but she doesn’t dare say. Maybe she’s a pretty high functioning drunk after all.

“Okay.”

Kara seems to take her first initiative at conversation as an invitation to continue it, “You’ve become quite the party girl yourself, lately. If I remember correctly, you used to hate them.”

Lena sighs, sluggishly, turning to look at Kara before the outside world lulls her to sleep. “People change, I guess.”

Kara nods, her eyes parting from the road every so often to look at Lena. “Is that the only thing that’s changed about you?”

Her seriousness is betrayed by the nervous way her eyes jump everywhere but Lena’s eyes, and Lena knows that Kara just wants to get back whatever connection (unfortunately platonic) that they used to have, but she can’t find it in herself to gather some kind of emotion other than tiredness, so she doesn’t really think before answering her with brutal honesty.

“If anything, between the two of us, you’re the one that likes changes. You changed partners really quickly.”

Kara blanches, her mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out of it for some solid five seconds. Lena tries to ignore the weird feeling in her stomach.

“What does that mean?”

“You know exactly what it means.”

Lena sighs, turning around once again in her seat and hugging both her arms around her midsection, touching her forehead to the window with her eyes closed.

“Maybe we should talk about that.”

“I don’t want to talk.” Lena says, through clenched teeth. Her stomach churns.

Kara puts her hand on her knee, tentatively, “Then please just listen to what I have to say, Lena.”

“No.”

She doesn’t have to turn in Kara’s direction to know she’s pouting, and if the image in her head is almost enough to make her change her mind, she’s glad she isn’t facing the real thing.

“Well you can’t stop me from talking so -”

Lena quickly reaches for the radio, turning the volume all the way up, stopping Kara mid sentence, and she catches sight of her undignified face just before she reaches to turn it back down. If her tummy wasn’t so uncomfortable, she might make fun of Kara for still listening to her Britney Spears CD.

“Stop that, Le -“

She’s once again interrupted by Lena reaching for the radio, and this time Lena can’t help but laugh at Kara’s speakers blasting _Womanizer_ so loud every single house they’re passing by might be able to hear it, combined with the irritation in Kara’s face. Lena giggles until Kara is following suit, induced by Lena’s drunk and free laugh.

But Lena’s stomach still feels knotted, churns and turns around on itself, and Lena barely has time to turn down the volume again on the radio.

“Well, look who’s changed her mind-“

“I’m gonna be sick.”

Kara looks at her, must see something dangerous in her pale face because her eyes widen and she’s quickly pulling over. The car isn’t even completely still before Lena is out and spilling all the alcohol she consumed out of her guts. Kara steps close behind her, and maybe it’s the warmth of her close proximity that makes Lena’s stomach turn again and she’s puking all over once more (or maybe she just drank more than she should have, but still). She holds her hair up and rubs large circles on her back that manage to bring some comfort to Lena.

When she’s done, she moves a few steps away from the monstrosity she just created on the corner between the street and the sidewalk, and sits down again, legs wide apart and shoulders hunched so that her head is between them, in case she needs to go again.

“I hate vomiting.” She says, grimacing at the taste in her mouth and the feeling in her throat and in her stomach and overall in her body.

Kara moves to sit behind her, puts both hands on Lena’s shoulders and pulls her slightly backwards, enough that her back presses slightly to her front. “I know. I’m so sorry.”

It feels like she’s apologizing for so much more, like her words have more depth than just Lena’s disgusting state, and the raven haired girl knows it, presses herself slightly back against her to bask on it. She thinks she probably won’t remember it in the morning, just like she won’t remember Kara pressing her lips to her temple gently, tentatively enough like she knows it’s all temporary too, and it could all disappear sooner with enough intensity.

-

She wakes up in her bed, although she doesn’t quite remember how she got there. She doesn’t remember much after puking her own soul out of her body, but if the way her head pangs is any indication, it seems it found its way back with a vengeance. She groans.

“Good morning to you too.”

She groans some more. “What time is it?” She asks, or at least asks something as similar to that as the cheek pressed to her pillow allows her to.

“Well, I’m not sure you have a good enough concept of hours for me to tell you that.”

 _Shit._ She makes an effort to sit up, leans her upper body on her elbows and looks sincerely at Lillian. “I’m sorry.”

The older woman scoffs, although the amount of grace she has doesn’t really make it a scoff, but still, Lena recognizes disappointment when she sees it. She’s almost used to it. “Go shower. Get dressed. Have breakfast. We’ll talk afterwards.”

Lena nods, waits until Lillian is out of the room before crashing down on her bed again, grimacing at the squeaks it produces. Without opening her eyes, she feels around for her phone on her nightstand.

The screen is too bright at first, and she forces her eyes closed again before gaining enough courage to face it again.

_ Sam: Did you make it home safe? _

_ Sam: I bet you did _

_ Sam: Is Kara still there with you? ;) _

_ Lena: Fuck you _

The reminder of Kara isn’t as unbalancing as it used to be. It still makes her flinch sometimes, like her heart gets shocked for a few seconds when its reminded of everything that happened between them, and it’s still more than inconvenient in some ways. But still, thinking of her is like walking in the rain - before, it used to be refreshing, like walking in the drizzle in a very hot day, welcoming the coolness to overheated skin. After their fallout, though, it was like walking through a very _very_ winded storm, blinded by the aggressive droplets. Nowadays it just seems inevitable, like walking out of your house and already having an umbrella ready because it has been raining for so long.

She’s thinking way too much for someone whose head already seems to weight one thousand pounds. She doesn’t need Kara Danvers running around in it, disrupting its balance.

-

After she showers and gets dressed, she joins Lillian in the kitchen island to have some breakfast. The older woman is silent as Lena reaches for the milk, the box of cereal, the spoon. She’s _dangerously_ silent through it all.

“Any plans for today?” Lena chances, already rolling her eyes at herself.

Lillian moves her gaze away from her newspaper and fixes it on Lena. It makes her skin prickle, and maybe she preferred the silent treatment to this.

“No. You’re grounded.”

Lena nods. “Understandable. For how long though?”

Lillian’s eyes have yet to move away from her, studying, assessing. It’s nerve wrecking. “I’ve yet to decide.”

“Okay. I’ll just go to my room then.” She says, and moves to stand up and put her cereal bowl on the sink.

“Give me your phone. And your computer.”

Lena gapes, “I can’t, I have a biology project I have to do research for.”

Lillian just shrugs, unaffected, “I have many books on my study you can research from. And I’ll help you if you need me to as well.”

“Fine.” Lena says, aware of how pointless it is to argue.

“And give me your car keys.”

“What? No, I didn’t even drive it yesterday. Besides, I need it to go to school on Monday.”

“You can walk or use the school bus for all I care.” She says, opening her newspaper once again and resuming where she left off.

Lena huffs, crosses her arms over her chest. “Come on, that’s not fair.”

Lillian turns to her again, but now the anger in her eyes makes her even more terrifying. “What’s not fair, Lena, is you lying to me about your evening plans, sneaking out, and then not even making it back home on time.” She says, forcefully enough that Lena has the decency to look guilty. Then she pauses, takes a visible breath, before saying “Is getting drunk such a better option than spending time with me?”

Lena actually flinches at that, her eyes fill with stubborn tears she doesn’t need, and utters, “I’m alone. All the time. You’re never here. I didn’t think you’d care.”

With that, she leaves to her room, puts her phone, laptop and car keys in front of her bedroom door before she slams it. She hadn’t felt the need to throw a tantrum in so long, especially because there was no one for her to throw it at, that she almost feels relieved when she does it. Almost.

* * *

_I wasn’t meant for reality, but life came and found me._

Monday comes faster than Lena actually wanted it to. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she spent the whole weekend trapped in her own room, avoiding Lillian and the thoughts of a certain blonde, choosing instead to focus very hard on her biology project and Sam’s constant texting. Still, it sucks she has to face reality. It would all be so much easier if she could just stay in her room forever.

“Good morning.” She says as she makes her way to the kitchen and sits in front of Lillian. To say things are awkward between them is an understatement. Or maybe Lena is the only awkward one, because the older woman doesn’t seem like someone who gets affected by such trivialities.

“Good morning. How did you sleep?”

Lena didn’t, as usual. It’s hard for her to fall asleep when it seems like her mind runs on different, longer batteries than her body. It usually leads her to spending an entire day feeling like crap, like her body has to sustain the heavy weight of her sleepless mind, until it becomes too much and she manages to crash herself into a short, but necessary slumber.

Lillian had helped her when she first came to her, desperate. Bought her pills and served her tea and even sat herself on the chair beside her bed until she fell asleep. But then the next day she was gone again, to God knows where and for God knows how long, and Lena hadn’t managed to lull herself to sleep quite like Lillian did. Well, at least until the alcohol, although she’s not irresponsible enough to use it more than once every few weeks. She just makes sure that when its wise and the opportunity arises, she takes it.

“Good. How about you?”

Lillian simply hums in agreement. They didn’t talk much throughout the weekend besides casual conversation when they shared their meals and the silence had become too much of a bother.And it’s not like Lena doesn’t feel bad, she really _really_ does. But her pride won’t allow her to apologize, at least not anytime soon.

She practically inhales breakfast in her haste to get away from the situation, which is not the most graceful of her, and she half expects Lillian to berate her for it, but the other woman seems to be dead set on ignoring her, so she pushes herself to inhale that bit faster.

“Gotta go, I have a bus to catch.” She says, then she moves to pick up her bag by the stairs and move out the door, but Lillian’s voice stops her.

“Lena. Wait.”

She turns to look back at her, sees the way the tips of her fingertips have turned yellow as she clutches her cup of coffee, and the way in contrasts with the veins straining in her hand. A hesitant Lillian Luthor isn’t a sight one sees very often, or at all.

“I want to apologize to you. I know I haven’t been here as often as I should. I’m trying to change that.”

“Why?”

Lena hates vulnerability, and that’s the very emotion the moment seems to be charged with. She notes the way Lillian stops eye contact, blinks once, twice, until some mirage of emotion that was settling in her eyes disappears. Lena’s nails are biting into the skin of her palms like she’s grounding herself, preventing her aloof instincts from severing the atmosphere they seem to enveloped in. It’s definitely unusual. Lena’s not sure if this is a good thing.

“We’re all each other has left. We should stick together.” She says, and maybe she didn’t do such a good job at hiding whatever she was trying to hide behind her eyelids, and Lena is momentarily rendered speechless. The day has just started, and it’s already so _weird._

She finds he voice though, “What do you mean? What about Lex?”

Lillian releases a sad laugh, wet and heavy, if the way her shoulders slump is any indication. “You know he hasn’t been the same, ever since Lionel...” Yeah, Lena knows that. She used to miss the days where her brother would visit them, head clad in a baseball cap, eyes joyful and excited to pull Lena out of her misery, because even when she had both Lionel and Lillian with her, loneliness hadn’t been a stranger to her ever since he left. Then, after Lionel’s death, he stopped coming as often, stating he had trouble walking into the house and not thinking of their father. Nowadays she’s lucky if she sees him once a year, and if she does, it does nothing to qualm her loneliness and worry for her brother, if anything, his lifeless eyes only make it worse.

Lena nods, forces back tears. “I know.”

“Just think about it, please.”

Looking at her, she’s nothing like the woman Lena has gotten used to. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe the emotion in her eyes, the tentative smile on her lips and her vulnerable posture is a good thing.

She only nods before leaving the house.

-

So, apparently today has changed the entire world on its axis, and Lena is just riding a wave of unexpectedness, but she was the one that said she liked the unexpected, so she might as well embrace it.

Climbing the bus is kind of surreal to her, but so is sitting next to Kara Danvers in History, but she’s testing the world for new things. Even if Sam’s betrayed-turned-smug look when she realizes where Lena sat at is mildly infuriating. Still, Kara was nothing but helpful to her, so she might as well be nice about it. (Contrary to popular belief, she wasn’t _that_ much of a bitch). Besides, she might reluctantly admit she has missed the connection they had, and the snippets she does remember about Friday night were the cause of her yearn-filled sleepless nights.

Also, today is all about second chances anyway. Lena is just going with it.

The thing is, the girl in question doesn’t even acknowledge her presence, which gives Lena a bit of time to rub her hands on her jeans and try to calm her nerves, although it only serves to make her more self-consciousness. The blond is simply staring out her window, ear phones stuck in while she waits for the teacher to arrive at the classroom.

Lena waits, tries to seem casual under Sam’s vigilant gaze by taking out her phone and drumming her fingers against her desk. Maybe Kara is just ignoring her, giving Lena a taste of her own medicine. Or maybe Lena did something awful to her that she doesn’t remember. Or maybe Kara realized the mess she actually is. Or she remembered exactly why she -

“Lena. Hi.” Kara says, with her features surprised but her gaze warm and exited like she is indeed pleasantly surprised, and it was one of the things that hooked Lena the first time around and it still feels so good to be on the receiving end of that Kara Danvers look now. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“Hi.”

“Why are you sitting here?” She asks, and Lena flushes a little. “Not that I don’t want you here! It’s just that you usually sit back there. Also, you usually just ignore me at school, but you’re talking to me now, so I’m a little confused.”

“I know.” She says, with her cheeks still warm with embarrassment. “I’m sorry for that.” She says, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. “I just came to thank you, for the other night. You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“No, no, you don’t have to thank me for that. I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.” She says, and her small smile will always be the death of Lena (Apparently anything she does happens to be the death of Lena), the way it’s shy and mysterious, and Lena never knows what she hides in the curve of her lips nor in the look in her eyes.

A clearing of a throat interrupts Lena’s staring, and she’s thankful she was stopped before she turned into a borderline creep. “Sorry, but, um, you’re in my seat.” A girl says, apparently the owner of the desk she’s in.

“Oh. Sorry, I was already on my way. See you later, Kara.”

She moves away quickly, embarrassed. Just a look into Sam’s eyes lets her know she will forever be haunted for the smallest of interactions she just had.

“So... That ride must have been really good.” Sam says, leaning over towards Lena’s desk with a smirk Lena wants to punch out of her face.

“Shut up, Sam.”

-

School is, well, school. It’s quite boring, if Lena’s honest. She used to get out of bed every morning quite excited before, for obvious reasons, and now, because of those reasons, (aka Kara Danvers), she’d rather take a ride amongst the trash of a dumpster truck from 8am to 3pm than be here everyday. But those are the sacrifices of a teenage life.

“So are you going to give me a ride?” By the look on Sam’s face, she already knows that the answer is no. “Really? Are you going to make me walk? Or worse, take the bus? I already took the bus once today, and it was awful, Sam, you know how bad the bus is. It’s a giant, motorized wave of testosterone!”

“I’m sorry! But this is on you too, if you had answered any of my texts on the weekend and told me you were grounded I wouldn’t have made plans.”

“You have plans?” Lena asks, the indignant look in her face melting into curiosity. “With whom?”

Sam remains silent for a few seconds, long enough to lead Lena’s curiosity to its peek. It’s not like Lena’s under the impression she’s the other girl’s only friend or anything like that, on the contrary, she’s very aware that between the both of them, Sam is the one making friends left and right. Not only is she smart and capable of maintaining interesting conversation, she’s also got that overall nice, although mysterious, easy on the eyes look that always attracts new people.

The shocking part is the blush on her cheeks.

“Alex Danvers.” Sam mutters, so quietly that Lena almost isn’t able to catch it.

Which reminds her... “Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about her. I even made a note on my phone to remind myself.”

Sam doesn’t even look at her, she actually only walks faster and Lena is the one struggling to catch up. “You’re weird.”

“Stop trying to divert the course of this interrogation. Are you into her?”

Sam spins around, violently enough that her own hair, that today was flowing over her shoulders, slaps her in her own face. “Keep your voice down!” She says, forcefully through clenched teeth.

Lena falters, her face falling with the weight of her words. She slows down her pace, and Sam barely notices it with her haste of making sure no one around her heard Lena’s words. “Are you ashamed or something?”

The other girl finally stops looking around to focus on Lena’s face, “No, Lena, you know I don’t think there’s something to be ashamed of. But Alex isn’t like that, she’s more reserved than me. Than us.” Her hand squeezes Lena’s upper arm reassuringly. Still, the raven haired girl can’t help but think that she is the one that should be reassuring her, because she has a feeling this might not be easy for Sam.

“Sam...” She starts, reluctantly, “You know, it’s hard being with someone that doesn’t want to admit they want to be with you, I -“

“I know, Lena. You don’t have to-“

“I’m just saying. Be careful, please.”

Sam nods, squeezing Lena’s upper arm once more before turning around and pushing the school’s doors open, resuming her brisk pace towards the parking lot. “Nice chat. Gotta go now. I’m already late.”

“Wait!” Lena runs a bit after her. It’s the same amount amusing and annoying to see Sam so committed. “Can’t you just drop me home real quick?”

Sam releases a huge guttural sigh, one she’s sure everyone in a 50 mile radius hears. “I told you I’m late!”

“So? My house is like a 5 seconds ride away.”

Sam reaches her car, throws the door open and smirks in Lena’s direction, “If it’s that close why don’t you walk?”, then she closes her door, turns her engine on and leaves Lena on the parking lot, looking like an idiot.

“I hate you so much.” She whispers to the retreating back of her ex best friend’s car.

It’s fine. It’s all fine. Sam’s right, it’s not that long of a walk. Besides, wasn’t her New Year’s resolution to become more fit? It’s almost May now, she’s had a very long time to prepare to this moment. It’s fine, she’ll be released from this punishment soon enough anyway -

“Hi.”

Her other New Year’s resolution says. This one she had actually made come true, even if not for long. Dating Kara Danvers had been her biggest dream ever since Lillian had forgotten to pick her up from school on freshmen year and the girl had shared her umbrella with her and insisted on walking her home so she wouldn’t get drenched from head to toe in the pouring rain. Later that day Lillian had come home with apologies in her tongue and promises in her eyes and yet all Lena could think about was how Kara’s blue eyes were a perfect replacement of the sunny sky they were missing that day.

“Hey.”

“Do you need a ride? I’m just heading home now.” She says, with an easy smile. This whole thing feels planned, like Sam’s hurry was a miracle in disguise. Or maybe just a really cliched coincidence.

“No, it’s fine. I was already planing on walking anyway.”

“Really?” She laughs. Lena is always so perplexed with how beautifully easy-going she is. Not quite spontaneous - she’s not the type to make rash decisions without thought or risking it all for no reason other than what what she desires - but still, she gives such freedom to the world, allows herself to take whatever it gives and trusts herself and her instincts to deem what’s right of her to take. It’s breath-taking. “It seemed like you were begging Sam for a ride just now.”

“I wasn’t begging.”

“You look so grumpy right now.”

Lena scoffs, “What would you expect me to look like when people are throwing fake accusations at me?”

“If you weren’t begging then what were you doing?” She says, laughter still evident in her features, although it seems she’s holding it in for after Lena gives what she expects to be a ridiculous answer.

“I was trying a new psychological trick I read about the other day. It’s all about dependency and the affects it has on other people. It almost worked actually. I was the one that took pity on her.”

And there it is, Kara’s annoyingly melodic laughter. “I bet,” She says. Then, she grabs Lena by the shoulders (and Lena’s heart doesn’t skip a beat, not at all), and pushes her towards her car. “Come on. What happened to your car, by the way?”

“I’m grounded for an ‘indefinite amount of time’.” Her words come with mockery, and she even crosses her eyes for good measure.

“It’s the price you pay for getting that drunk.”

“Oh, please, I wasn’t even that drunk.”

“Tell that to Greg’s driveway, it still has your body fluids on it.”

Lena turns to look at her, a surprised smile on her face, “That was in front of Greg’s house?” She asks, like an excited child, and Kara laughs as she nods. Opening the car’s door, with a huge smile on her face, Lena laughs. “Damn, that was lucky.”

Kara made sure to drive her car past Greg’s street, and sure enough, in the street, in front of his house, was Lena’s remains of a soul. (She feels the proudest she’s ever felt).

-

It becomes some kind of a routine for that week, Kara’s rides home. Lillian had actually tried to remove the punishment, and Lena will never admit to subtly (or as subtly as she can with Lillian) suggest to remain grounded just for the rest of the week. Because Kara Danvers will never not make her dumb.

It’s embarrassing really, how she’s so much under Kara’s spell that, even though she ‘hated’ her (not really) last week, just a few interactions and she has already somehow taken a little bit of her guard down. She’s stupid, that’s it.

Still, everyday, she catches a ride with Kara. Sam must have gotten the memo that her car services aren’t needed after offering them the day after she hung out with Alex, and Lena had answered that Kara had asked first. She hadn’t offered her again since, although a stupid smirk was always directed at Lena as the raven haired girl made her way to the blonde’s car.

Today is no different.

It’s a Thursday, and Kara had already found her earlier in the morning and offered her a ride, as she had done every day this week.

As the two of them were making their way towards Kara’s car, chatting about whatever it was that Kara had managed to come up with to keep herself entertained in Mr. Bennett’s class today, when James Olsen, also known as Lena’s final boss to defeat in her quest for Kara Danvers’ heart (although she will reluctantly agree she might have already run out of lives by now) comes to haunt their existence. Or maybe just Lena’s, given he’s Kara’s boyfriend.

“Kara! Wait up!”

She doesn’t imagine the way the other girl freezes, the way she reaches up to nervously push her glasses up her nose, briefly looking at Lena before turning around and gathering a smile on her face, although to Lena it seems rather shaky.

“Hey, James. What’s up?”

“Why are you at school? I thought you were excused from Addison’s class.”

Kara flushes, although Lena is not quite sure why. “Well - I - Yes, but I had to do something. I had to - to finish this project, at the library. Yeah.”

A flustered, rambling Kara Danvers. The one true source of diabetes.

James must think so too, because he smiles, shakes his head, and leans down to peck her lips.

Lena turns away, choosing to ignore them and spend time with her jealously instead. It’s stupid how it still hurts. Yeah, she feels stupid for feeling as sad as she does when Kara Danvers is as happy as she is with someone else. She decides to just wait for Kara by the car.

“Hey, wait. Where are you going?” Kara asks, as she grabs her arm, and her heart squeezes as well with the pressure of the fingers on her wrist.

“Just going to wait by the car. Give you guys some privacy.” She says, looking at her hand, refusing eye contact.

“Thanks, Lena.” James’s voice drags her eyes up, and his honest smile should at least tame the hurt inside her chest, but it only fuels it. _Stupid._

She only nods in response and manages to make a great job of not reaching her hand up and flipping him off right then and there. A true measure of her self restraint. While the pair is away doing God knows what, because Lena completely refuses to look in their direction, Lena chooses instead to lean her head back towards Kara’s car, closing her eyes while the warmth of the sunlight streams on her face. She gets lost in her thoughts.

_ Things she would rather be doing right now: _ __

_ 1- Kissing Kara Danvers, because when does she not rather do that; _

__

_ 2-Eating; she’s actually very hungry right now. _

__

_ 3-Punching James Olsen in the face; _

__

_ 4- Kicking James Olsen in the sack; _

__

_ 5- Maybe apologizing to James Olsen after doing 3 and 4 so she can possibly do the first one. Kara probably wouldn’t be very impressed with her after that. _

She opens her eyes, and is quite surprised to find Kara standing right in front of her, silent and with her eyes gleaming with something as she looks at her. And this is the exact reason why she chose to distance herself from Kara Danvers after their breakup - not only because of how painful it is seeing her interact with her boyfriend this up close, but then having the adventurous ride that is having Kara in her life to make her feel some kind of _hope_ , just as she feels now, when Kara’s looking at her like _that._ And she’s not looking away.

Lena is _so_ lost. She thought she had fallen for Kara Danvers a long time ago, but it seems she’s just stuck on an endless loop of skydiving and the swoop on her belly is just something she’ll just have to deal with all her life.

“Ready to go?” She asks, because for the sake of her sanity, she needs to break this moment.

Kara blinks, shakes her head slightly, nods, then walks around the car to get into the driver seat.

“So,” She starts, and the seriousness that was in her face just half a minute ago seems to have vanished completely from her features. Her stomach interrupts whatever she was about to say with a huge growl though.

Lena laughs, butterflies flying away in her stomach because of the flush in Kara’s cheeks. “Hungry?”

Kara nods sheepish. “A little.”

“Me too. Let’s grab something to eat.”

She is well aware of how hyped Kara can get with the mention of food, and she’d like to say she’s not blindsided by Kara’s resulting smile, but it’s Kara, and she’s Lena, so anything the blonde does might be just enough to take her breath away, and she’s helpless about it all.

“Where would you like to go?” Kara asks, turning the engine on and already reversing the car out of the parking spot she was in.

“Surprise me.”

-

So.

Lena is definitely surprised.

Never, in a million billion years, had she considered that, when she suggested Kara to be the one to choose the place they’d be eating at, that the blonde would take her to the little diner they had their official first day at. She did say that Kara always manages to take her breath away; Well, she feels like she’s suffocating right about now.

Still, she’s Lillian’s daughter. She knows how to hide it well. Or so she hopes.

They take a seat near the window, the sun hitting Kara’s profile just right, and Lena’s suddenly sweating from the nervousness of it all. Maybe Kara doesn’t even remember this place, and it’s just another meaningless diner to her. She swallows tensely at that thought, the possibility of it meaning nothing at all to Kara that she doesn’t even remember it, or if she does remember it, that she doesn’t care enough to think how it would affect Lena when she brought her here. She doesn’t know what to think.

Kara’s hand settles atop hers, head ducking the littlest bit down so she can catch Lena’s eyes, “Hey. You alright there?”

Lena nods quickly, pulling her hand towards her lap and berating herself for thinking she saw something similar to disappointment in Kara’s eyes at the motion. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She says, still nodding her head up and down with her gaze fixed on the table between them. “There’s just a lot of memories coming back to me right now.” She says, tentatively, looking up to gauge Kara’s reaction to her words.

The other girl just smiles wistfully, leaning back in her leather seat and looking Lena in the eyes. “I know. I wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to come here.”

“Why did you bring us here, then?”

Kara sighs, troubled. Lena can see it in the way she starts fidgeting with her fingers, unable to maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds. “I don’t know. I just thought that, you know, these aren’t bad memories. We were happy, here, once. I guess I just want that back, that connection we had.”

Lena is speechless for a moment, because Kara can’t mean what Lena hopes she means. _Right?_ “Those memories were from back when we were _dating_ , Kara. I’m pretty sure you don’t want _that_ kind of connection.”

“No - I don’t -” She fumbles with her words, frustrated, and Lena sees the blush in her cheeks as she concentrates on what she’s trying to say, “I just, I miss you. A lot. You hated me for so long, but this week feels like we’re reconnecting and I guess I just wanted _more,_ and I thought maybe this would help.”

She shakes her head, upset, because there was a reason why she was being distant, that reason being something very similar with how she's feeling right at this moment. “You were wrong, Kara. I’m sorry, I really am, because I’ve honestly missed you too, but being here, it feels like mockery. You’re making me feel stupid.”

“Why would I -“

“Hey there. What can I get you girls?”

Kara stops mid sentence, looking towards the waitress that was standing beside them with a smile and her notepad open, obviously ignorant to the tension between them. Distracted, she answers, “I’ll just have some blueberry pancakes, please.”

The woman turns to look at Lena after jotting Kara’s order down. “Strawberry milkshake, please.”

None of them mention how that’s the exact same order they had on their first date too.

“I’ll bring them to you shortly.” She says, before smiling one last time and leaving.

As soon as she’s gone, Kara leans over the table towards Lena again, with a preoccupied look in her eyes and fidgety hands that seem to reach out towards Lena’s still ones before thinking better of it. “Why would I purposefully mock you? I would never do that. I swear.”

“Well how else would you explain this?” Lena asks, exasperated, hurt, desperate to leave this situation. “Kara, _you_ broke up with _me,_ and you said you weren’t ready for a relationship. Five days later, you got into one with James. How did you expect me to just pretend that never happened for the sake of our ‘ _friendship_ ’?”

“It’s not that simple. I didn’t -“

“Were you with him?” Lena interrupts, in desperate need of answers, “Were you with him while we were still together? Is that why you broke up with me?” This is the main truth Lena needs, above anything else. She’s been haunting herself with the possibility, scared of how much sense it actually made. Ever since their breakup, it isn’t unusual for her to find herself imagining Kara and James together behind her back, laughing at how innocently stupid Lena was.

But Kara flinches, a horrified look crossing her features, and it doesn’t even falter as the waitress comes by with their order, she doesn’t even respond to her _Bon appétit,_ her gaze remains steadily locked in Lena’s one.

“Of course not. How could you ever think that?”

“Well, I don’t know what to think! _That’s_ what I’ve been thinking for the past two months while you’re happily kissing Olsen’s face,” she says, and she doesn’t even try to hide the scorn in her voice.

“Lena, what we had, it was real. I promise you that.”

Lena nods, unconvinced. “Then why did it end?”

Kara finally loses the determination that had previously been set in her eyes. “I don’t - I don’t know. I guess I just wasn’t -“

“Ready for a relationship?” Lena asks, then, after releasing the most unconvinved hum, “Shocking.”

“Lena, please -“

“Kara,” Lena starts, forcefully moving her straw around her milkshake, “I don’t wanna talk anymore, we’re just running in circles here. If you can't tell me the truth, then there’s just no point. Eat your pancakes, then drive me home.”

Kara doesn’t insist anymore. It feels like an admission to Lena's words.

They finish their meals, Lena pays, sending a cold glare towards Kara’s objections, then, Kara drives her home, without a word being spoken from Lena’s part even as Kara whispers a tentative _See you tomorrow?_ when Lena opens her door and exits her car.

Lillian is waiting for her when she gets home, probably waiting for her arrival so that she can berate her for coming home late without warning.

“Can I be released from my grounding, please?” Lena asks before she can even open her mouth, before the front door is even closed

There must be something in her tone, or in her eyes, or maybe in her general appearance, because the hardness that was in her eyes disappears, and she merely nods and watches as Lena immediately goes to her room and finally allows herself to cry.

-

On Friday, she catches Kara’s gaze as she parks in the parking lot. Kara seems dejectedly hopeless as she sees her climbing out of her own car, but Lena doesn’t let herself linger, moving towards the school instead, even if her chest hurts with every step.

* * *

_I don't know what I feel or what I want to feel. I don't know what to think or what I am._

Saturday finds Lena in her room, a book open in her lap while she sits in her bed staring out the window. Sometimes she wishes she didn’t feel at all. Wishes that this loneliness, this longing for things that can’t be would just abandon her, just like Lionel and Lex. Just like Lillian might too. Just like Kara half-did as well.

Lillian finds her like that. She tentatively knocks on her door, and even after receiving no response, quietly makes her way inside and sits beside a very unfocused Lena.

“Lena,” She says, placing a hand on her shoulder to gather her attention. Lena jumps, blinks a few times at Lillian sitting a few inches away from her. The older woman hesitantly smiles, an apology perhaps, before asking, “Are you okay?”

But Lena just nods, turning her eyes again to the window.

“You can talk to me, you know?” She tries again.

“I guess I’m just feeling a bit sad, I guess. It’s pathetic, I know. Luthors don’t have the privilege of such vulgar emotions.” She says, sarcasm dripping from her words.

Lillian sighs. “That’s not true, Lena. It’s okay to be sad.”

Lena turns to her, with a challenging gaze she’s sure won’t go unnoticed, “I’ve never seen you sad, not even once.”

“I know. That’s not because I don’t feel sad, only because I don’t show it.”

Lena nods, then tilts her head a little to the side in consideration, “Also, weren’t you the one who taught me and Lex to not allow others to see our vulnerabilities?”

A sigh leaves her lips again, this one heavier with guilt, perhaps even sadness as well, and it only makes Len more intrigued about the woman sitting beside her. “I did. You were always surrounded by the media, or by people who could easily exploit you, I just didn’t want people to take advantage of you when you were the most susceptible.”

Lena nods. She actually kind of understands. Some part of her even wishes she could be so stone hard right now, so that no one else could see how broken she feels sometimes.

“Besides, I see how wrong I was now. That very lesson is the reason Lex doesn’t step foot in this house anymore. The only thing I accomplished with that was to push my own son away.”

Lena looks at her, really looks at her - the tired lines around her eyes, the evidence of how much guilt she carries in her eyes, in her heart. Then, she shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s true. Lex just didn’t know how to handle his grief. He’s still trying to handle it. Lionel was never... Very warm... Towards him.”

“I wish I had protected him more.”

“No,” she says, convinced, “You did everything you could. God, Lex was never the easiest to deal with, but you handled him so well. All he needed was Lionel to put in effort to do the same.”

Lillian nods, pondering. “Lionel was complicated, wasn’t he?”

That pulls a dry laugh from Lena’s throat. “He’s still somewhat of a mystery to me.”

She never doubted his love for her, per say. Sure, he had a funny way of showing it to her, considering they were all being crushed by the weight of the press and the company and overall the Luthor name. But still, he had been there for her when she was first brought in to the Luthors, before Lex warmed up to her, before Lillian overlooked the betrayal.

They had almost felt like a family, at first. Lex had been the most important piece though, the one that tied it all together for her. When Lionel died, Lena not only lost him, but also her brother, and due to all the responsibilities being deposited on her, she kind of also lost Lillian along the way. Although this feels a lot like getting her back.

“Tell me about Kara Danvers,” Lillian says, with no hesitancy, like the words have been ready to come out at any moment but she had been pushing them in.

Lena is startled by the question, unsure of how much she should disclose. She’s even startled by the fact she _wants_ to disclose something to Lillian.

“What exactly do you want to know?”

“Did you two have a fight?”

She laughs, a sad exclamatory sound more than anything. “I think you’re a couple of months too late.”

Lillian frowns, confused. “She’s been giving you rides home for the entirety of the week. You _wanted_ to still be grounded so she could keep driving you home.”

 _Fuck it._ “Yeah, but then we had a fight.”

“What was it about?”

Lena turns to look at her, curious. “How much do you really know of my relationship with her?”

Lillian seems hesitant for a second, pondering her words so they won’t upset Lena, before she settles with, “You dated, didn’t you?”

She nods, wavering. “Yeah. Is that - Are you - Do you have any problem with that?”

“Of course not,” She says, and Lena releases a sigh with the amount of weight was somehow relieved from her shoulders. “This is the twenty-first century, you know.” She continues, with a crooked smile. “Besides, I saw how happy she made you.”

Kara had always wanted to hide, afraid, and Lena had conceded to her. It was nothing of her if she could keep Kara in her life. And she was happy, despite that. Sure, she wanted everyone to know how much Kara actually meant to her, wanted to be free with her. But it was a small price to pay.

“We broke up. Two months ago.” More like 63 days, but like she said, she’s not actually counting.

Lillian nods. “I figured. She spent so much time here. I think she was the first friend of yours you actually brought home. And then Sam.”

“Yeah, Kara was... She means a lot to me. Sam does too, in a different way though. Kara was a little jealous of her at first, actually, but I managed to convince her there was no need for that.” Lena remembers, a nostalgic smile in her face.

“Tell me the story. The whole thing.” She asks, earnest in a way Lena could have never imagined she would ever care enough to be. It's pleasantly surprising to see her this dedicated, it feels _meaningful,_ like the turning point in their relationship Lena knows she won't forget.

Lena nods. Maybe talking to someone besides Sam might be a good idea.

“It wasn’t easy at first, a Luthor arriving at a new school, with no friends. People kept their distance, you know most people wouldn't touch us within a ten feet pole,” She releases a humorless laugh. Her fingers fidget with the page on her book. “Then some rumors about me started going around the school, something silly that I don’t even remember anymore. It was absurd really. I heard Kara defending me, to her sister actually. She was going on a ramble about how she shouldn’t judge me without even knowing me. It felt good, to hear someone say that about me.

“Of course she doesn’t even know I heard her,” this time, her laugh isn’t quite as fake. “I was locked in one of the stalls in the bathroom they were arguing at. I stayed there with my feet up in the toilet until they left, not making a sound. I didn’t dare talk to her.”

Lillian nods, indicating she’s listening.

“She was the one who came to me first. It was raining a lot, and you had forgotten to pick me up from school -” She sees the way Lillian grimaces, the way she seems ready to apologize again, ”- it’s fine really. It was a long time ago. Anyway, I didn’t have an umbrella. She did though. She walked me home and then the whole way back to her house that was in the opposite direction.

“I guess we just became friends after that. Kara made sure we were friends, actually. She’s very stubborn, and once she had gotten in her head we should be friends, I had no other choice, really.” She smiles, charmed, and sees te smile reflected in Lillian’s lips as well.

“We only grew closer. I knew I liked her the day she walked me home, because how could I not. I didn’t dare tell her about it though. She was my only friend, i couldn’t risk it. We were only friends for years, even if deep down I knew I wanted more.”

“Sam transferred schools on junior year, and I guess we just hit it off. Suddenly I had a new friend, and I guess that changed the dynamic Kara and I had. I could see the way she would be disappointed when I mentioned I had plans with her, or the way she would force a smile around her. I didn’t know it was jealously then, but it was, and even when jealous she was always so respectful of me, of my space. She’s perfect, really.

“Sam was the one who told me to go for it. I didn’t want to at first, but I figured Kara was too perfect to leave me even if she didn’t return my feelings, and even if she did, at least I’d have Sam. I can’t say there was a big reveal or a big gesture on my part. I was too scared. I just wrote her a letter explaining all my feelings and then hid in my room.”

“You were out of town that week. She came by later that day and I was terrified I’d have to be alone if she rejected me. But she didn’t. We talked, and she told me she felt the same way. We started dating.”

Lillian is still avidly paying attention, and Lena feels so exposed but so reassured at the same time. She would never expect Lillian to be so receptive of what she had to say.

“Maybe dating isn’t the most appropriate word. I mean, we kissed and went on dates and all that, but only if no one saw, only if no one knew. I wasn’t really bothered by it, I didn’t feel like I owed anyone some explanation about my feelings. All I knew was that I liked Kara and wanted to be with her, that was it. I guess she thought that becoming public would mean more, and she wasn’t ready for that, and I was okay with it.

“We were together for two months, and I don’t know if it’s only me, like all my feelings are tricking me somehow, but I just didn’t see it coming. The break up. Even now when I think of it, there were no warning bells, no signs. Sure, we fought sometimes, but we always made up in the same day. I felt normal. I don’t -“

She sighs. She feels overwhelmed with all her emotions, but also feels like she has to continue, has to get all of this out of her chest. Lillian’s hand settles atop one of hers, and its slightly cold. Lena focuses on that to calm down, and when she thinks she’s composed enough, she continues.

“One day, she just, found me at school. I knew that something was wrong - that was the one and only warning bell - I could see it her face, the stress, the sadness. I knew it was coming. She broke up with me in the bathroom, said she couldn’t be in a relationship, wasn’t ready for it. I was devastated, but I tried to understand, to give her space. I thought, maybe she’ll come around with a bit of time. Five days later she got together with James.”

“I’m so sorry, Lena.” Lillian says, a whisper shared between the two of them.

“I guess I just feel stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, Lena. You’re really not.” Lillian says, and the conviction in her eyes matches the force with which she squeezes Lena’s hand, hoping to somehow share it.

“I feel stupid because I’m only eighteen, I have so much too see of the world, so many people to meet, and yet I feel that this is as good as it gets. She’s as good as it gets. I’m a teenager that thinks they can’t live without someone else - I’ve become the very thing I used to mock. Pathetic.”

Lillian shakes her head, still convinced of the falseness to Lena’s words. “There are plenty of studies that show that most people find their life-long partners in their adolescence.” She says, and Lena nods, although not yet quite convinced. “You know, I met Lionel when I was your age, and I thought he was the one.”

Lena turns to her, intrigued. “I didn’t know that.”

“It’s true. Our families had established a partnership between their businesses, and it was required of us to interact a bit more. I thought he was fascinating, his mind... He reminds me a lot of Lex, actually. Level-headed, rational. He refused to give into emotion most of the time. We fell in love. There’s no doubt in my mind he loved me back. I guess he just fell out of it sooner than I did too. That’s where you come in.” She says, but there’s no malice in her words. If anything, she looks pleased with the thought of having Lena in her life, and it’s the reassurance Lena never knew she needed. She squeezes Lillian’s hand back.

“I’m sorry that he cheated on you.”

“I’m not. I was, for a long time. But then I realized that that’s the sole reason you’re here, and now I’m grateful to him.”

Lena can’t help herself anymore, and envelops Lillian in a hug, a few tears spilling from her eyes. Lillian rubs her back, makes shushing noises to try and coax Lena to stop crying.

“Come on, tell me the rest of your story.”

Lena nods against her chest, and takes a long breath before speaking again.

“I spent two months without talking to her. It’s not because I was mad - I mean, actually, it was. I was a little mad. But also, I just didn’t want to always be faced with how I wasn’t worthy of her, how she chose James instead of me. I couldn’t handle it. But then I got really drunk at that party last week and she took care of me. Without asking for anything back. While thinking I hated her. I just realized how out of this world Kara is, how bright she is. If anyone deserved a second chance it was her.

“I guess I was just wrong in thinking I was ready to give it to her so soon. I mean, it’s been two months, I know, but... I just haven’t yet had closure, you know? I need closure, so that I can move one. And she doesn’t give it to me, she can’t explain it to me with honesty.”

Lillian sighs, still rubbing Lena’s back gently. “Then I think that’s it, Lena. You said it yourself, all you need is closure. You need to talk to her, confront her. Use the Luthor in you to coax the truth out of her.”

It makes Lena laugh a little, the thought of herself somehow impersonating Lillian enough to get what she wants. And if she’s honest, the whole situation she’s in, - her, in Lillian’s arms, crying and talking to her about Kara - she would have never imagined it. If someone would have told her last week this would happen she’d laugh.

But she’s not complaining. If she’s being honest, she feels quite content about it.

“Thanks, mom.”

* * *

_To the memory of the painful intensity of my sensations, even when they're happy ones; to the blissful intensity of my sensations, even when they're sad._

Everything goes to hell when Alex Danvers comes out.

It’s not like Lena was surprised. Sam had excitedly come to talk to Lena about their new relationship. Lena had tried to warn her about dating someone who wasn’t comfortable being themselves that way, but Sam had only told her not to worry, still with the same brilliant smile she had while confiding Lena with the first news. So yeah, Lena saw it coming.

And even if Sam hadn’t told her anything at all, she would still not be very surprised. She guesses Alex had always given her that vibe.

But Kara seems to be very surprised. _Very_ surprised.

Lena had heard the news all over the school, that Alex and Sam were dating. She even saw them kiss right in front of everybody, happy for them (despite her longing for someone else) just like the majority of the school. She doesn’t think people seem that affronted by it. Of course there are always a couple of idiots, but still, the shock comes more from the fact they’re dating than the fact they’re girls.

Also, she figures her and Kara have this unspoken deal about bathrooms being the place where they seem to unleash all their emotions.

She walks into the bathroom distractedly, still thinking about Alex and Sam and the smiles on their faces when she hears someone crying. And when she says crying, she means _crying,_ no sweet sniffings but instead full on sobs.

“Hey, is everything okay?” She asks the person currently locked in a stall crying their hearts out.

The door creeks when it opens, and in there, in all her glory even with the tears, sits Kara Danvers, arms wrapped around her knees and head miserably resting on top of them.

“Kara,” She breaths, moving forward to wrap her arms around the girl. She uses one hand to push her hair from her cheeks, settling it behind her ear. “What’s wrong?”

But Kara only cries harder, and Lena locks the door again and holds her tightly, whispering reassurances, until she calms down.

Finally, Kara seems ready to talk, although she doesn’t attempt to move away from Lena’s hold.

“Alex came out today.” She says, quietly.

“Is that why you are upset?” Lena asks, confused, but still making an effort to keep her voice gentle.

“Yes.” Kara whispers. Her voice breaks, and Lena only holds her that much closer.

“I don’t understand, Kara.”

Kara moves away from her then. She stands and leans her back against the door, distancing herself from Lena. From the broken look in her eyes and the way she tiredly rests her head back against it, Lena knows something more complicated than Alex being gay is happening.

“Alex came out, and everyone is okay with it.”

Lena doesn’t see anything wrong with that either. That’s a reason Kara would usually be happy about. “So?”

“So?!” Kara says, louder and tired and angry. Lena is lost. “Lena, you don’t understand. I had to choose, I chose, and it was this simple? All along, it was this simple?”

Lena opens and closes her mouth a few times, unsure of what to say. She’s not even sure she understands yet. “Kara, you’re not making any sense, I-“

“I was so scared, Lena,” And her tone has gone back to that of a hopeless, tired confession. Lena’s heart breaks in advance. “I had lost everything, my whole family. And then I came to live with the Danvers, and I felt so happy, so whole again. I had a family again. I didn’t want to lose them. I couldn’t handle loosing them again.”

She’s crying again, and Lena wants to step closer, to hold her in her arms and protect her from whatever it is making her so sad.

“And I - I thought, what if - what if they won’t accept me?” _Oh._ “What if me liking another girl was a deal breaker? I had heard so many stories of girls being kicked out because of that, and I - I couldn’t handle it if...”

“Kara,” Lena says, quietly. “Can I touch you?”

Kara nods as fast as those words leave her mouth, so Lena moves forward to wrap her arms around her just as quickly.

“Alex had seen a text you had sent me, an ‘I love you’. I didn't put your name in the contact in case this happened. I asked her to let it go, I _begged_ her to, but she wouldn’t. She told Eliza about it, and she was so excited for me, asking me to introduce her to this mystery _boy._ I didn’t know what to do _,_ everything was falling apart and I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want to lose my family again and I-” She chokes on her words as another so makes its way out.

“It’s okay Kara, just let it all out.”

“They wouldn’t let it go, Lena. I had to do something and James was there. I remembered the times where you would tease for being so oblivious to his flirting, and I felt that I didn’t have any other choice. I’m so sorry, Lena, I’m so so sorry.”

Lena hugs her tighter, and Kara hides her face in her neck, and Lena shivers as she feels her tears run down her skin.

“It’s okay, Kara. I’m not mad. I understand.”

“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. It devastated me to do that. To lie to you and then you hated me and I-”

“I never hated you, Kara. I was hurting because I didn’t understand. But now I do. I forgive you, okay? I promise.”

Kara moves away from her to look her in her eyes, and the look on her face suggests that the tears that are now coursing down her cheeks are more due to relief than sadness, and some weight lifts from Lena’s chest at the knowledge.

“But now... Alex came out to Eliza right in front of me, and Eliza didn’t even blink, like it didn’t matter to her. And then Alex came out to the whole school and everyone is fine with it, and I’m wondering if it was all pointless. All the hurt, the lies... All of it.”

Lena shakes her head, her hands move on their own record to cup Kara’s cheeks. “Has no one ever told you that the pain is the cause of growth?” She asks, with a teasing smile.

Kara laughs, wetly and beautifully, and her hands settle atop Lena’s as she leans into the touch. “I’ve heard it a couple of times before.”

Lena really wants to kiss her right now. She doesn’t remember the last time she’s been this up close to Kara, looking into her eyes. She knows she can’t, she won’t, because Kara is vulnerable and confused and maybe this doesn’t mean Kara still likes her, after all, she was still with James. Still, Lena really wants to.

“What about James? Where does that leave him?”

Kara seems to come out of her daze, because then she’s gently pushing Lena back to put some distance between them.

“James is... James. I do like him, he’s - well - he’s been there for me and I -”

So, apparently after everything there’s still no hope for Lena. It hurts, of course, but it’s expected. Why would she choose Lena anyway?

“I have to be there for him too.”

Lena nods, because she understands. This is Kara Danvers, the most beautiful, selfless person she knows. Who knows, maybe in the long run it might not have worked for them. Maybe they’re incompatible, no matter how much Lena’s heart pangs hurtfully at the idea of a future without her in it. But she, a Luthor, should know she’s not worthy of her.

This feels a lot like closure.

“And I’m here for you, Kara. You can count on me for anything. Okay?”

Lena asks, and she dares to step closer once again, so that she can more easily commit to memory this monumental moment - the way Kara’s eyes seem brighter than ever with the residue of her tears in them; the angle of her tilted smile as she looks at Lena; the color of her lips and the shape of her face and -

“Okay.” She says, and Lena now knows the gleam in her eyes is not love or longing, unlike hers.

-

Things return to normal, after that. Well, maybe not normal, because walking down a corridor with Sam holding hands with Alex Danvers wasn’t really a normal occurrence for her. Neither was seeing Kara in the middle of a hallway and being on the receiving end of one of her tightest hugs. Or, like now, sitting down next to Winn, Alex, Sam, Kara and James in a fast food place after school. She guesses the only thing normal was the longing she felt. She’s pretty used to that.

“I can’t believe you sucked faces with Winn.” Sam says, amused by the redness in Lena’s cheeks.

“I did not suck faces with him,” she grumbles, embarrassed. She chances a look at the boy in question and sees him as flustered as she is. “Besides, you would know if you hadn’t ditched me for seven minutes in heaven with Danvers.”

Alex looks darkly at her, but Sam only laughs at both of their expressions. Lena has been making an effort to get along with the older Danvers, she really has. She’s just not one of Lena's biggest fans, and there’s nothing she can do about that.

“True. But tell me all about it, was it all you had dreamed of?”

Winn is so red Lena thinks he might be silently choking on his burger. “Sam, stop.” She hisses, slapping a hand on her shoulder and turning around in her chair so she doesn’t have to face her annoying smirk.

“Fine, fine.” She says, but she keeps laughing, and Lena still wants to punch her.

“Thank you.” She and Winn say at the same time, becoming redder, and Sam only laughs harder. Alex and James even join her for a few moments.

Kara is unusually quiet, lips pursed and eyes down - she looks annoyed, and Lena tries to send her a questioning look, but she won’t meet her gaze.

“Hey, babe. Are you okay?” James asks, seemingly taking notice of the same thing Lena did. He puts an arm around her pulling her closer towards him. Kara finally looks up but this time Lena’s the one who won’t meet her gaze.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”

When Lena finally allows her gaze to meet Kara’s, the blonde doesn’t look away. She looks at her heatedly and Lena could swear somewhat secretive, like there’s something in her eyes for only Lena to see.

But she doesn’t try to. Because things are back to normal. She’s had closure. There’s nothing else there.

“So... Any plans for tonight?” Sam asks. Her relationship with Alex is what brought the group together, and Lena is sure she’s aware of that. She takes advantage of that position to embrace Lena, to make sure she doesn’t allow her anxiety to take the best of her and alienate herself. She appreciates it, sometimes. It’s what she’s always done for her ever since they know each other. Push Lena’s boundaries.

“Greg invited us to his house. He’s having a party.” James says. The only answer he gets is the groans collectively released around the table, and his eyebrow furrows. “What?”

“Greg’s an idiot.” Alex says, straight to the point, just like she always does. Lena smiles; that’s one of the only things about her she likes. Respects. Tolerates, at the very least.

“I know. But you gotta admit he throws great parties. His house is huge.”

“That’s true.” Sam says, with a contemplative nod. Then, she smiles, big and toothy and kind of adorable in the way it bunches her cheeks up. Alex’s heart eyes, not so adorable, but still. “I’m in.”

“Well, if you’re going...” Alex says, falsely rolling her eyes. Sam doesn’t fall for it though, only lifts her hand to hold her face in place to apply a quick kiss to her lips.

“Winn?” James asks, bumping him lightly with his elbow. “Last party you went to, you got yourself a kiss. Maybe you should try your luck again.”

Sam laughs obnoxiously loud at that, going as far as pointing a finger very close to Lena’s face and leaning insanely closer to mock her. Lena only rolls her eyes at her.

“Yeah. I’m going. The ladies are only now seeing what they’ve been missing.” He says, with a very obvious, very red blush in his cheeks.

“Winn, calm down.” Says Alex.

Sam gets tired of laughing eventually, choosing instead to mock Lena with her smirk. “And you, Lena?”

She sighs, runs a hand through her hair. “I don’t know Sam. My mom’s home, I’m not sure she’ll be very open to me going to a party after the last one.”

“Come on, Lena. Sneak out again. Just try to do a better job this time.” Then she turns to Kara, “Are you going?”

Kara blanches, opens her mouth only to close it again a few times. “I- I don’t know.”

“You guys suck.” Sam pouts.

“Come on, Kara,” James starts, squeezing her in his arm once again. Lena focuses on her french fries. “You haven’t missed one in so long. Why the reluctance?”

Kara’s words come out snappy, uttered between her teeth. “I guess I’m just not in the mood.”

James frowns and lets go of her, moving a little to the side to give her some space. Lena meets her gaze, sees the remorse, the annoyance, a lot of things she isn’t sure Kara wants her to see. The others resume the conversation, but Lena’s gaze doesn’t leave from Kara’s. With a tilt of her head and the concern in her eyes, she silently asks her if she’s fine. Kara shrugs in response, and Lena’s sad smile is accompanied with the push of her basket of fries in Kara’s direction.

Her cell rings, Lillian’s name flashing in the screen, and Lena excuses herself to pick up.

She answers the phone as soon as she gets outside the restaurant. “Hello?”

“ _Hello, Lena. Listen, can you come home? I really need to talk to you and it’s really time sensitive.”_

“Sure, I’ll leave now. Is everything okay?”

“ _Of course. Everything is fine.”_ But her voice doesn’t come out convincing. She hangs up before Lena has the chance to ponder again.

Moving back towards her friend’s booth, she quickly says her goodbyes. “Sorry, guys. I really have to go. Something came up with my mom.”

“Is everything okay?” Kara asks, concerned, and Lena notices that her basket of fries was pushed back towards her seat. Untouched. It means a lot coming from Kara. Her heart warms.

“I’m not sure.” She says as she puts on her coat and her backpack. “I’m gonna go, okay?”

“Wait!” Sam shouts, kicking the table and cursing at it in her haste, “I’ll call you later to convince you to go to the party, okay?”

Lena chuckles, closer to the door than to their table, and shouts back, “Okay!”

-

She opens the door to her house and finds a suitcase at the end of the stairs. At first, she doesn’t even react to it, so used to coming home and finding one packed and ready to leave at any moment. Her eyes jump away from it before her brain can actually register _why_ it’s there, but once it does, her body freezes.

Mother is leaving again.

_ Mother is leaving again. _

“Mom?”

Lillian comes from the kitchen, rushed and relieved and concerned all at once. There’s something remorseful in her expression, something heavy even as she releases a sigh once she sees Lena’s finally home. She’s already dressed very much for a business woman - a fancy dress, high heels and an uptight hairdo that Lena is sure leaves many people intimidated. She doesn’t feel intimidated as she looks at her though, not anymore. She just feels sad.

“You’re leaving again?”

She sighs again, this time something heavier with sadness. “Some issues came up with a business deal LuthorCorp recently closed. I have to go, Lena.”

The raven haired girl nods, understanding and regret pulling at her chest all at once. “For how long?”

“I- I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take. But I’ll be home as soon as possible.”

Her phone rings then, and Lena barely hears her pick up and talk to whoever it is.

“I have to go now. I’ll call you as soon as I get to the hotel. Please be safe, Lena.” She says, stalking forwards to envelop her in a quick hug Lena doesn’t even have time to correspond before she’s out the door again.

And it’s not like this is the first time this happened. No, it has happened hundreds of times before. Honestly, sometimes it felt like Lillian was gone longer than she was home, and Lena had gotten used to it. But this past two week had felt... different. They had connected in a way they never had, and Lena was content. Everything was falling into place, she was starting to feel _okay_ about everything even. But now she’s gone, and for some reason, it feels worse. It feels like a relapse, and it leaves her insides twisting with the familiarity of being alone.

She doesn’t like it.

She gets her phone out of her pocket, and dials Sam’s number on autopilot.

“ _Lena Kieran Luthor.”_

“Hey, Sam. Are you still at the restaurant?” She moves to the living room, practically throws herself onto her couch.

“ _No, I’m at the Danvers' right now. We’re getting ready for the party.”_

“Sam! I can’t believe you said my middle name in front of Alex.”

“ _Not only Alex. Kara and Eliza are in the room too.”_

“I hate you.” Lena huffs, running a hand through her hair while she stares blankly at the ceiling. “Listen, I’m not going to that party today.”

Sam groans, _“What? Why?”_ She finishes with a whine.

“I’m not really in the party mood today. I’m sorry.”

 _“Are you okay?”_ She asks, and Lena even hears her excusing herself to whoever was talking in the background.

Lena sighs in response, blinking back tears. “Yeah. But my mother left again, today. So.”

“ _I’m really sorry, Lena. I know how excited you were to be spending time with her.”_

She presses the back of her hand to her mouth, forcing herself to calm down. _It’s no big deal. This has happened a thousand times._

“Yeah, well, not today I guess.”

“ _Hey. Do you want me to come over? We can get pizza and movies and-”_

“No. No, Sam. It’s fine. Go to your party, I want you to have fun.”

_ “Nonsense, Lena. If you need me I-”  _

“It’s okay, Sam. I’ll be fine. I have to get used to being alone again sooner or later. Just have a nice time, yeah?”

Sam hesitates, and Lena counts three seconds before she removes her phone from her ear to check if she didn’t hang up already. _“Fine. But call me if you need anything. Promise you’ll call?”_

“Promise.”

-

She gathers a few pillows and a few blankets in the couch, ready to completely immerse herself in the fantasy world that is Netflix. When she's sad, she usually watches _Friends_ or another sitcom that is silly enough for her to laugh and forget that sometimes things don’t go her way.

Kara used to watch it with her. She’d come over and they’d bundle close together under the blankets, laughing and kissing and being overall _happy._ Lena really misses her.

The doorbell rings close to an hour into her binge watching, and she figures Sam decided to check in on her. She moves to her door, mentally describing Sam as a _stubborn little bi-_

“Kara.” She says, breathlessly surprised. Kara Danvers is standing in her doorway, looking as beautiful as ever in sweatpants and a cozy large blue sweater, glasses nowhere to be found. Her shirt brings out her eyes, especially without the lenses, and Lena focuses on them enough to see how nervous she looks. “Is everything okay?”

“Sam told me Lillian left. I wanted to check up on you.” She says, eyes not once leaving Lena’s face, searching for something with a shaky smile, as she fidgets with her fingers.

Lena softens, the weight in her chest giving way to a few escaped butterflies. “Thank you, Kara. I really appreciate it. But you didn’t have to go through that trouble, you should have gone to the party and have fun with them.”

Kara waves her hand, indicating that it’s no big deal. “I wasn’t going, anyway.”

Lena nods, a small grateful smile on her lips as she gazes at Kara. Only when a car passes in the street behind does she realize where they currently are. “Sorry,” she grimaces, “Would you like to come inside?”

Kara nods, a little of the restless aura around her seems to dissipate as she’s allowed in, and yet Lena can see from two miles away how nervous she is, though she’s not quite sure why.

“You can go sit down if you want. I’m just gonna get you something to eat or drink.” She says, as she moves towards the kitchen intent on searching through her cabinets. She manages to gather a few snacks in her arms, but as she turns back to head back into the living room, they all fall to the ground as Kara is closer to her than she expected.

“Kara. You scared me,” She says, a hand clutching at her chest in hopes of calming her racing heart, “What are you-”

“I broke up with James.”

Lena blinks, surprised. After all, it’s not everyday the ex-girlfriend she was still very much in love with comes by to her house and tells her she broke up with her boyfriend, so, she figures she’s entitled to have her heart skip a few beats and the butterflies in her stomach to run a few laps.

“Are you okay?” She asks, trying to tame down the hope she feels vibrating in her veins.

“Yes.” Kara says, and her eyes are so focused on Lena’s face, with no more uncertainty or nervousness in the way they settle in Lena’s, deep and searching, a mannerism so unlikely of hers but at the same time feels confident, familiar, that Lena’s head spins and her cheeks flush.

“Did you get in a fight or something?” She asks, innocently, like a concerned friend and not someone who might have been waiting for this particular moment for so long.

Kara steps closer to her, and Lena couldn’t step back even if she wanted to. The kitchen counter is pressing into her back, its contrasting coolness seeping through her sweatshirt and meeting the heat of her flushed skin. Her nervousness seems to make a reappearance just then, and Lena reaches a hand out towards the ones that are currently fidgeting with the sleeve of her sweater. “I’ve been thinking, Lena...”

Lena nods, indicating her to go on.

“When I broke up with you, it was never because I didn’t love you anymore. God, Lena, you mean so much to me. Do you know how many parties I went to to make sure you were safe and also in hopes you would talk to me? Watching you kiss Winn was _torture._ And I do like James too, but,” She says, her hands clutching Lena’s so strongly. It’s a welcoming pressure, grounding. “If I had to choose between-”

“Kara, you know I’d never make you choose.” She says, tilting her head in order to catch Kara’s unsettling gaze.

“I choose you, Lena.”

She steps that much closer to her, and suddenly they’re toe to toe. Lena would like to say her eyes are a beautiful blue this close, like she knows they usually are from the memories she has of Kara looking this closely at her. But right now her pupils are wide with adoration, a soft, although uncertain smile tugging at her lips and at Lena’s heart.

“Kara, what are you saying?” Her voice is nothing more than a broken whisper, battered with hope and fear and _love._

“I’m saying exactly what you think I’m saying,” She says, and Lena’s eyes flutter as she feels her breath touch her cheek. “I want to be with you. You’re it, Lena. I’ve been miserable without you, what I feel for James is meaningless compared to what I feel for you. You might just be the biggest, most important piece of my everything.”

Lena brushes her nose tenderly against Kara’s before finally connecting their lips.

Kissing Kara Danvers is like the first taste of a high after months of withdrawals - at first it’s overwhelming, and Lena feels all the surge of emotions run through her body, setting her on fire, and Lena almost whimpers with the force of it. As Lena clutches Kara impossibly closer, it starts to become familiar, like something she was meant to do all along and is relieved at finally being able to.

Kara deepens the kiss, moving her hands so that they’re grasping the back of Lena’s thighs in order to sit her in the counter behind her, stepping between her legs so that there isn’t a millimeter left between them.

When they break apart, Kara settles her forehead on hers. “Finally,” she breathes against Lena’s lips.

“I know,” Lena whispers back. Kara laughs before moving to envelop her in the tightest hug.

“I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me too, Kara. You have no idea.” She says, hands grasping the back of Kara’s sweater tightly. But Kara moves back, eyes focusing on her lips once again.

“Maybe you could show me.”

 _Gladly,_ Lena thinks, before kissing her again.

-

Eventually, they separate. Mostly because Kara’s stomach had grumbled quite loudly in the middle of their make-out session, although Kara had only kissed her neck and insisted on Lena ignoring it after the other girl had moved back at the sound; But after three more times of this, Lena managed to gather the strength to break them apart.

Together, they gather the snacks that were still haphazardly on the floor and move towards the couch. Kara happily fills her mouth with food as soon as they’ve both sat, and Lena only chuckles with a shake of her head before following suit, although more graciously.

“So,” Kara starts after she’s eaten all of the snacks Lena had brought with them, “things have changed between you and Lillian.”

Lena sends her a curious look, although her stupid infatuated smile still hasn’t left her face. It’s okay though, Kara still remains in its place as well. “How did you know?”

“You called her mom, today. I don’t think I had ever heard you call her that before.”

Lena shrugs, “I hadn’t even realized I was doing it.”

Kara hums, smiling, before tugging Lena to her lap by her hips. Lena goes willingly, laughing along the way and wrapping her arms around Kara’s neck as she finally settles on top of her. “I’m a very smart, observant person.”

“I’m not so sure about ‘observant’.” Lena says, teasingly.

Kara assembles an offended look, pouting her lips for good measure. “What makes you say that?”

“You were surprised when your sister came out.” Lena says, before placing a quick kiss on the corner of Kara’s mouth.

Kara tilts her head in acknowledgement. “Touché. I can see how obvious it was, now.”

“Too late.”

“It’s never too late.” She says, kissing her fully and tightening her arms around Lena. She gladly kisses her back.

Lena sighs when they separate. “I’m so glad you came tonight.”

“Me too,” She says, nodding with her face buried on Lena’s neck, “Alex was the one to convince me to, actually. She even told Sam to drop me here.”

Lena moves back from shock, not even processing the pout in Kara’s face and the attempt to pull her closer due to her state of overall alarm. Alex Danvers, self proclaimed hater of Lena Luthor, did what?

“You’re kidding, right? That’s impossible.”

Kara frowns, confused. “I’m not kidding. There was even this whole speech about kissing the girls we wanna kiss and all. She said you were worth it.”

Lena’s mouth drops open, and she can’t even think words, much less speak them. It’s the first point of this amazing night where she considers it might all be an hallucination.

Kara’s phone vibrates in her pocket. Lena feels it in her thigh and it brings her back to reality just as Kara pulls it out to read it. “It’s Alex. She’s asking me how it went.” She says, before her fingers click shortly through the screen. She sighs then, looking back at Lena after throwing her phone beside her on the couch. “It’s getting late. I should go.”

Should she? Lena really doesn’t want her to. She feels happy with Kara near, fulfilled in a way she hasn’t felt in so long. They just got back together, and Lena is rather afraid to admit that the thought of Kara going home and reconsidering everything that happened scares her beyond reason. She doesn’t think she can handle it to be left again, after being reminded of how amazing it feels.

“You should stay.” She says, quietly. She would think maybe Kara didn’t hear her if it wasn’t for the widening of her eyes. “Not- Not like that! I mean, you could stay and we could binge-watch something. You don’t have to, though, of course. But, I just got you back, I don’t want to see you leave so soon.” She finishes, sheepishly avoiding Kara’s gaze in an attempt to hide the blush in her cheeks.

But Kara isn’t having any of it, simply grabs her by the waist and pulls her back in for a long, delicious kiss. “I know the feeling,” she says, before reconnecting their lips again.

-

Kara snores. It’s not like Lena had forgotten about the fact, but as she awakes in the morning to the quiet but distinctive sounds Kara makes in her sleep, she’s comfortably reminded. Lena lays in front of her, studying her face, following the lines of her freckles and the occasional fluttering of her eyelashes, when the door opens quite loudly.

Also, Kara sleeps like a rock.

Lena sits up in the couch, looking over the back of it towards a very her very distressed looking Mother that had just walked into the house, already moving towards the stairs. Kara is still asleep, and Lena silently worries what would Lillian’s reaction be when she sees her there. Luckily, the couch is facing the wall opposite to the front door.

“Mom. What are you doing here so soon? Is everything okay?”

The older woman stops abruptly in her ascent, turning around and looking quite surprised and yet relieved to see Lena in the living room.

“Listen, Lena. I realized that I don’t want to keep leaving you here alone so much and for such a long time, because I thought we were reconnecting these past weeks, even if we kicked off with a rough start.” She says, moving closer towards the couch, and Lena’s cheeks heat up with anticipation with her every step.

“I hired someone else to be my CFO. This way, I can work from home and we can keep on working on our relationship, and then together we might be able to convince Lex to-”

She stops when she hears a slightly louder snore coming from the blonde sleeping beside Lena. Then she comes closer, enough to see her body lying across the couch, enveloped in blankets and still adorning last night’s clothes.

Then, she looks at Lena, and the younger girl worries for a second that the look on her face is indeed anger. She surprises her though with a very genuine, confused question.

“Why do all your relationship advances happen when I’m not home?”

* * *

_We live by action—by acting on desire. Those of us who don't know how to want—whether geniuses or beggars—are related by impotence._

**Author's Note:**

> All of the quotes here belong to The Book of Disquiet by Bernardo Soares aka Fernando Pessoa. Honestly is one of my favorite books by such an intelligent man that I just kinda wanted to share with whoever reads this, like a prize for putting up with it. Anyway, you should really check it out
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one


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